"Tell your story. Tell my story of grace and love."And so that is hopefully what I will do today. The past three weeks have been probably the most difficult of my life. Everything is changing and it feels like the life I have been building for myself is slipping through my fingers. Someone who I thought loved me, let me down. Someone who had the ability to show love and grace to me decided not to and instead decided to make me feel worthless. I'm not sure how many of you have experienced that, but having someone you love tell you that you mean nothing to them is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. And the feelings of worthlessness almost overwhelmed me. The enemy uses those feelings to fill us with lies and to be completely honest I was drowning in the lies.
The way the enemy knows our flesh and the worries of our hearts is scary. Since I was in middle school and boys told me I wasn't pretty or skinny enough I have dealt with feelings of rejection and worthlessness and honestly I put walls around my heart and dared someone to try and break them down. When I met the Lord in highschool, he showed me how worthy I was, but not because of myself. He made me worthy and he thought I was worth the ultimate sacrifice. He gave it all for me. He called me holy, redeemed, valued, forgiven, loved, etc. He filled me up and made me feel like his princess. I also bought into this idea that God had an earthy prince for me and for some reason I thought this meant I would never get my heart broken. For some reason I believed good, Christian guys would never break my heart and throw it out like three week old spaghetti. But it happened. I let someone in and they let me down and I found myself asking God how he could let that happen. I found myself confronted with the same feeling of worthlessness from my middle school years and I could not understand it.
"As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ"1 Peter 2: 4-5
The way that the Lord has used this scripture over and over in my life amazes me. Yet again he used it to pierce my heart and remind me that my worth is not found in man. Being rejected by man is something Christians have to deal with. Jesus Christ himself was rejected by men, yet he still died for them. My worth is found in Jesus and because of this I am called to love. I am called to love my enemies. I am called to pray for those who hurt me. I am called to be set-apart, because Jesus counted me worthy of his life, therefore even in this pain and confusion I have to seek to offer my life, even those things I have a tendency to cling to, up to him. And I have to trust that he works all thing out for my good and his glory. Even in our pain we are called to worship him. Even when we do not understand what he is doing we have to live our lives with our hands and hearts open. We are his and he loves us so much. I do not know what the Lord has for me. I have no plan at all anymore, but hey that is the fun of this journey with Jesus, I do not have to know and I do not have to be in control. I am trusting him to write my story and I am trusting that he works out all things for the good of those who love him and trust him as Lord.
Thank you Abba
