He Counts Us Worthy

So I've started this blog post several times now and have not been able to post it. There is a huge part of me that is so afraid to put it out there, but the still small voice in my heart says:

"Tell your story. Tell my story of grace and love."

 And so that is hopefully what I will do today. The past three weeks have been probably the most difficult of my life. Everything is changing and it feels like the life I have been building for myself is slipping through my fingers. Someone who I thought loved me, let me down. Someone who had the ability to show love and grace to me decided not to and instead decided to make me feel worthless. I'm not sure how many of you have experienced that, but having someone you love tell you that you mean nothing to them is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. And the feelings of worthlessness almost overwhelmed me. The enemy uses those feelings to fill us with lies and to be completely honest I was drowning in the lies.

The way the enemy knows our flesh and the worries of our hearts is scary. Since I was in middle school and boys told me I wasn't pretty or skinny enough I have dealt with feelings of rejection and worthlessness and honestly I put walls around my heart and dared someone to try and break them down. When I met the Lord in highschool, he showed me how worthy I was, but not because of myself. He made me worthy and he thought I was worth the ultimate sacrifice. He gave it all for me. He called me holy, redeemed, valued, forgiven, loved, etc. He filled me up and made me feel like his princess. I also bought into this idea that God had an earthy prince for me and for some reason I thought this meant I would never get my heart broken. For some reason I believed good, Christian guys would never break my heart and throw it out like three week old spaghetti. But it happened. I let someone in and they let me down and I found myself asking God how he could let that happen. I found myself confronted with the same feeling of worthlessness from my middle school years and I could not understand it.

"As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ"

                                                                                                       1 Peter 2: 4-5
The way that the Lord has used this scripture over and over in my life amazes me. Yet again he used it to pierce my heart and remind me that my worth is not found in man. Being rejected by man is something Christians have to deal with. Jesus Christ himself was rejected by men, yet he still died for them. My worth is found in Jesus and because of this I am called to love. I am called to love my enemies. I am called to pray for those who hurt me. I am called to be set-apart, because Jesus counted me worthy of his life, therefore even in this pain and confusion I have to seek to offer my life, even those things I have a tendency to cling to, up to him. And I have to trust that he works all thing out for my good and his glory. Even in our pain we are called to worship him. Even when we do not understand what he is doing we have to live our lives with our hands and hearts open. We are his and he loves us so much. I do not know what the Lord has for me. I have no plan at all anymore, but hey that is the fun of this journey with Jesus, I do not have to know and I do not have to be in control. I am trusting him to write my story and I am trusting that he works out all things for the good of those who love him and trust him as Lord.
Thank you Abba

  

Let's Get Honest

It's hard to believe my last post on this thing was in April. I always think that I'm one day going to be consistent. Believe it or not I write posts all the time, but I chicken out before I post them. Here's a little update. This Georgia girl has been in Texas all summer! I've been here a little over a month serving on a team that goes around doing revivals in churches that are in desperate need of a fresh breath of the Spirit of God. Y'all let me just tell you it has blessed my soul in ways I could not have imagined. It has also challenged me (hence the reasoning behind this post). In the last week really things have taken a turn. My team experienced some difficulties with our team leader leaving and then wanting to come back and it has taken everything within me to put it behind me and not let it consume me as I do ministry this week, but let me get real with you now, today it consumed me. It consumed me in every way possible. It consumed my attitude, it consumed my thoughts, it consumed my heart. I could not even talk to my sweet Mama about anything else. Y'all I could not shake it. It consumed every relationship that I interacted with today and I am ashamed to say it brought tension to more than one of those. In this struggle today I learned... 

I Am Prideful! 

I'm absolutely embarrassed to admit that. I never thought I was before today. Mostly because I am so critical of myself. I do not let myself get away with anything. Chances are that if I hurt or offend you, I am more hurt and upset by it than you are. I am aware of every single flaw I have. That's why I honestly never thought pride would be a struggle, but somewhere along the way I quit striving to be like Christ in my Christian walk and started striving to just be better than everyone else. That's probably the most honest thing I've ever said on this blog and I'll be shocked if I actually post this, because that would mean letting the world know that I don't have it all together, That would be letting the world know that I am not perfect. I'm not naive y'all. I know that anyone who has ever met me knows that I'm not perfect, but I have found rest in the fact that most people think I'm pretty good. That's sick I know. I get proud because in my own strength I've managed pretty good? Well today I'm saying that I am not perfect. I am messed up. I am a liar, I am a gossip, I am prideful, I am jealous, I am so many filthy, sinful things. But today I am also learning how sweet the grace of my Savior is. I once was told that grace was like getting chocolate cake instead of a much deserved tail-whippin from your parents. And let me tell you that grace cake- it is good stuff. Today I was a mess. Today I hurt people and put myself up on a pedestal when I should of been laying my life down on the Lord's alter of grace. 

"In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us"

Ephesians 1: 7-8

 As painful as all of the things that have happened in these last few days have been, I have learned that if I rely on the Lord's strength, he will do so much better than pretty good. I have also learned that the glory is not mine. I deserve the worst things life has to offer, yet he continually pours out to me the best things. He deserves all the praise. He deserves all the glory. I have to trust him in everything. I have to cling to his grace everyday, but know that I cannot earn it, it comes through his goodness. In this I learn how to forgive. In this I learn humility. In this I learn how to love and y'all it changes everything to see situations this way. Thank you Lord for serving me some humble pie followed up by a huge slice of grace cake. 

We have Hope

I have avoided this blog for more than a year now. I have known it was there, but out of laziness and shear fear that no one was actually reading it, but today I couldn't avoid it anymore. I have honestly missed being able to get my thoughts out, and even if no one is reading them they are out there-and here is the thought that inspired it all tonight-We have hope.
We have hope
That seems like such a small, vague statement, but I am finding so much grace and peace there tonight. Why does that statement mean so much to me? Because the hope I have is eternal, unending, life changing hope in a Savior who has conquered death. That makes these everyday battles that are wearing on me so much today more bearable.
I have hope
This hope does not make my messy life any less of a wreck. It does not make Greek class any easier to pass, it does not make my school debt any more bearable, it does not make me miss my family any less or make my relationship perfect because lets face it-
Life is difficult
It's messy and sinful and there is suffering that's not going anywhere, but my hope in the Savior makes these things so much more bearable. It's just like God told Moses in Exodus

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

 I have hope because as a Christian I know that the presence of the Lord is always with me. He is fighting my battles right along side me and my greatest battle- the battle for my life- well he has already won
He has already Won!
Guys in that there is so much hope