Let's Get Honest

It's hard to believe my last post on this thing was in April. I always think that I'm one day going to be consistent. Believe it or not I write posts all the time, but I chicken out before I post them. Here's a little update. This Georgia girl has been in Texas all summer! I've been here a little over a month serving on a team that goes around doing revivals in churches that are in desperate need of a fresh breath of the Spirit of God. Y'all let me just tell you it has blessed my soul in ways I could not have imagined. It has also challenged me (hence the reasoning behind this post). In the last week really things have taken a turn. My team experienced some difficulties with our team leader leaving and then wanting to come back and it has taken everything within me to put it behind me and not let it consume me as I do ministry this week, but let me get real with you now, today it consumed me. It consumed me in every way possible. It consumed my attitude, it consumed my thoughts, it consumed my heart. I could not even talk to my sweet Mama about anything else. Y'all I could not shake it. It consumed every relationship that I interacted with today and I am ashamed to say it brought tension to more than one of those. In this struggle today I learned... 

I Am Prideful! 

I'm absolutely embarrassed to admit that. I never thought I was before today. Mostly because I am so critical of myself. I do not let myself get away with anything. Chances are that if I hurt or offend you, I am more hurt and upset by it than you are. I am aware of every single flaw I have. That's why I honestly never thought pride would be a struggle, but somewhere along the way I quit striving to be like Christ in my Christian walk and started striving to just be better than everyone else. That's probably the most honest thing I've ever said on this blog and I'll be shocked if I actually post this, because that would mean letting the world know that I don't have it all together, That would be letting the world know that I am not perfect. I'm not naive y'all. I know that anyone who has ever met me knows that I'm not perfect, but I have found rest in the fact that most people think I'm pretty good. That's sick I know. I get proud because in my own strength I've managed pretty good? Well today I'm saying that I am not perfect. I am messed up. I am a liar, I am a gossip, I am prideful, I am jealous, I am so many filthy, sinful things. But today I am also learning how sweet the grace of my Savior is. I once was told that grace was like getting chocolate cake instead of a much deserved tail-whippin from your parents. And let me tell you that grace cake- it is good stuff. Today I was a mess. Today I hurt people and put myself up on a pedestal when I should of been laying my life down on the Lord's alter of grace. 

"In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us"

Ephesians 1: 7-8

 As painful as all of the things that have happened in these last few days have been, I have learned that if I rely on the Lord's strength, he will do so much better than pretty good. I have also learned that the glory is not mine. I deserve the worst things life has to offer, yet he continually pours out to me the best things. He deserves all the praise. He deserves all the glory. I have to trust him in everything. I have to cling to his grace everyday, but know that I cannot earn it, it comes through his goodness. In this I learn how to forgive. In this I learn humility. In this I learn how to love and y'all it changes everything to see situations this way. Thank you Lord for serving me some humble pie followed up by a huge slice of grace cake. 

We have Hope

I have avoided this blog for more than a year now. I have known it was there, but out of laziness and shear fear that no one was actually reading it, but today I couldn't avoid it anymore. I have honestly missed being able to get my thoughts out, and even if no one is reading them they are out there-and here is the thought that inspired it all tonight-We have hope.
We have hope
That seems like such a small, vague statement, but I am finding so much grace and peace there tonight. Why does that statement mean so much to me? Because the hope I have is eternal, unending, life changing hope in a Savior who has conquered death. That makes these everyday battles that are wearing on me so much today more bearable.
I have hope
This hope does not make my messy life any less of a wreck. It does not make Greek class any easier to pass, it does not make my school debt any more bearable, it does not make me miss my family any less or make my relationship perfect because lets face it-
Life is difficult
It's messy and sinful and there is suffering that's not going anywhere, but my hope in the Savior makes these things so much more bearable. It's just like God told Moses in Exodus

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

 I have hope because as a Christian I know that the presence of the Lord is always with me. He is fighting my battles right along side me and my greatest battle- the battle for my life- well he has already won
He has already Won!
Guys in that there is so much hope

How deep the Father's Love

Well it has been a while since I've been on here. It's kind of crazy to think back to where I was in life last time I blogged. Since then I have started studying Missions at Truett McConnell College. It is so amazing how satisfied you can be when you know you are following the Will of God. He has grown me so much in my first semester here and for that I will never be able to praise Him enough.

Lately I have been meditating on God's love for us. It's rather typical of me since it is the holiday season, but God has been showing me a lot in this. Today He opened my eyes to the fact that the birth of Jesus started it all. Obviously this is not the first time I have realized this. In my 19 years in Sunday school I'm sure some teacher shared this with me, but today God opened my eyes to the realness of it. When God sent us Jesus to be born in the manger he already knew what His own son would experience. He was already broken by the pain and suffering He would cast down on His very own flesh. The beautiful part is that He sent us Jesus anyway. In fact He sent Him for this very purpose. I'm even more blown away when I realize why...for me! For this broken, sinful, disobedient child who from the very beginning was doomed. This helpless lost soul that Abba decided to claim as His. He sent His perfect son for me. I'm overwhelmed by that. Even more overwhelming is that God knew He was sending Jesus for me. He knew the brokenness that I would cause every time I decided to turn of Him and take my own path. He knew every hateful thought and mean word that would come from me. He knew and He sent Jesus anyway. If I can't find my joy in that well I just don't know where I possibly could find joy. Jesus is not only the reason for the season, but He is the reason for everything! What a Savior! What Love! His love is deep and wide. It is overwhelming and unfathomable. In His love I find strength and hope. I find peace and rest, and most of all I find acceptance and joy. In His deep love is where I'm resting these days. In my stress and daily failure I find rest in the arms of the Father and his Redeeming Love. And it all began with that tiny baby in the manger.

While they were there. the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her first born, a son. She wrappend him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them. Luke 2:6-7

Easter Post

We're about ten minutes from it officially being Easter Sunday. I love Easter! Jesus rose from the grave on Easter! Maybe you didn't get that but Our Savior BEAT DEATH on Easter! How could I not be excited? This last hour though Satan has tried to ruin it for me. He has used those closest to me to produce a selfish attitude in my house. It hasn't been pleasent and honestly I sorta began to just wish Easter was over already. I know that's stupid but, for a moment I got annoyed because my family didn't seem to get that Easter isn't about them and their comfort and it seemed like I was the only one who was really concerned about it. So I went to my room and attempted a quiet time. I've been reading the end of John and tonight I read the end of chapter 21 where Jesus tells Simon Peter to feed His lambs and shepherd His sheep and I realized that I can't focus on what my family is doing and I can't get upset and hurry an important day by. Jesus rose from the grave on Easter. That aught to be celebrated but, even more so, that aught to be told to those who don't know. We need to feed the lambs and shephard the sheep. We need Easter. It is everything our beliefs are centered around and we need it to remind us that we have a job and that job is to tell the world what happened on this very important day. Our God is not dead, He beat death and is living and active! The lost deserve to know that truth. Happy Easter everyone.

Panama

So it's been a while since I've felt led to blog but, I'm getting ready to leave on a mission trip to Panama City, Panama and I just really felt led to write again. So tonight I was doing my devo out of the book of Philippians chapter 4 which in verse 8 says

"Summing it all up, my friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."

This was just what I needed to hear before leving to go on mission. A lot of the time I make my mission trips about me and my comfort and my well being and when things don't go the way I want them to I tend to focus on that and loose sight of why I'm really there in the first place. I love this reminder to focus on the good things, like the fact that I'm gonna get to see 800 kids and share the gospel with them or the fact that I even have the opportunity to be there in the first place. God has blessed me beyond belief and It's my goal to focus on His gracious blessings my entire trip and be open to Him. Please be in prayer for our team:)

What am I holding onto?

It's been a while. I guess I just havent felt inspired to write but, tonight I feel like I should. I was sitting in my room tonight, thinking about how I miss my friends. I haven't seen much of them lately, we've all been busy, and I was hoping to talk to one of them tonight and it didn't happen and I was sad. As I set there sad trying to focus on a quiet time with Abba, I just kept thinking to the story of the rich young ruler. We all know the story, The rich young ruler asks Jesus what it takes to follow him and Jesus tells him to go sell everything he owned and he became sad because he was a wealthy man and he valued that more than following Christ. When I think about this story I always think that there is no worldly possesion I own that I wouldn't give up to follow Christ. I don't have huge amounts of stuff but, I'm quite blessed and still there is no posession that I wouln't give up to follow Him. Tonight though, I was smacked in the face with the fact that I hold so tightly to my friendships and if God asked me to give them up, I honestly don't know what I would do. Matthew 19:22 says:

"When the young man heard this, he went away sad because he had great wealth."

I don't want that to be my story. I don't want to go away sad. God has blessed me with a wealth of great friends who love Him and follow Him but, if any of them are going to keep me out of heaven then I want to be done with them. It's not fair to God and all He's done for me to focus on my friends and hold onto them when all I really need to hold onto is my Abba.

Abba, Show me how to love you first and greatest. I want to make you my all. Everything else I have, including my friendships, are nothing compared to having you. Remind me of that daily Abba so that I don't walk away from you sad. Be my only joy Abba. I want to love and follow you with everything I am forever.

The God of the Skies

Today on the way home from school I was riding with the windows down and my sunglasses on. I was feeling the beautiful sun on my face and the wind in my hair. It was great. It's days like this that I am reminded that my God is so real! When I look at the blue of the sky and feel the sun well, I just feel so close to God. He is surrounding me always and I can just feel it on days like today. Psalms 33:13-15 says:

"From high in the skies God looks around, he sees all Adam's brood. From where
he sits he overlooks all us earth-dwellers. He has shaped each person in turn;
now he watches everything we do."

It's such a beautiful picture to me. God sitting up there pouring sunshine down on me watching me live my life. I know He isn't always pleased with what He sees but, He continues to love me and give me days like today to feel close to Him and marvel at all He has created and just how big and real He is!

Thank you my Abba, thank you so much for pouring out your blessings on me. Thank you for the sunshine and the skies. Thank you for allowing each breath I take and the air you fill my lungs up with. I don't deserve your blessings but, I am so thankful you don't give me what I deserve. I love you with all that I am.